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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

July 4 3minute fiction:

(probably best read in a sort of Monty Python'esq voice.)

Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi. (What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.) It is not permitted for a cow to play the piano. It is not permitted for the cow to tinker in the shop. The cow must not go to sleep before 9pm. All of these things Jove may do with impunity.

The cow must not copulate with abandon. The cow will only be done as the cow will have done by Jove, by Jove. All of these things to Jove only, are permitted.

The cow may be expected to work quietly at normal things. The cow may live in a box. The cow, upon getting too fat to fit in the box, will be put down. These things are permitted the cow. Jove allows these things.

The cow upon attempting to play the piano, will be put down.
The cow upon attempting to tinker, will be put down.
The cow upon attempting to stay thin and escape the box, will be put down.
These things are allowed by Jove, by Jove.

Jove may at will, do so many things not permitted the cow. Of these a list will follow which should not be considered complete:

Live at liberty (forever) without fear of being put down.

Piano (as already mentioned)
Hard to get
D&D (forever) without fear of being put down.
Phone Calls
Hay whilst the sun shines
Fun of others
Live shows
At a substandard level (forever) without fear of being put down
Acts of kindness and antipathy

All of these things, and things of their like should be considered forbidden the cow, but permitted Jove.

The cow should also expect to pay of their daily work a tax equal to half of the remaining amount left after tithing 10% to Jove. Jove shall be forgiven all tax.

The eternal life of Jove will be celebrated forever plus one day. The cow’s life shall be celebrated annually until death. At which time the cow is consumed, bodily. A loud belch should suffice to signal the final celebration of the cow’s life. Beyond that, some comments may be made in honor of the cow – such as, but not limited to:

What a nice cow.
A solid cow, that.
Great cow to have around for a while.
Wasn’t that a tasty steak, what?
If only every cow were as that one.
And the like…

Appropriate ways to celebrate Jove should be known as, but not limited to:

Parties in which someone ends up naked, covered in cake.
A burning of an unpopular tree.
The sacrifice of large amounts of money to a hopeless cause.
Hanging of images of Jove in inappropriate places. (e.g. planking)
Feast of a baked cow stuffed with a pig, stuffed with a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, to be known as :The Feast of Cigurucken.”

It is, of course, traditional to combine all of these fetes annually on Jove’s The Feast of Cigurucken day. What marks this day as special for so many is the exchanging of unwanted gifts. In recent times it has become fashionable to make gifts which at first appear to be desirable, but soon prove to be highly undesirable (such as, possibly a necklace with a beautiful silver locket. But the locket is impossible to open and contains a small prawn which over time achieves a hideous smell.) Lol.

These are, in short, that which is allowed Jove, but refused the cow.

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